well its friday. lol the radio just said that!
anywhoo... yeah im bored. i want my mommy. lol no, no i do not. i want my mommy to go away so i can sneak out and smoke a cig. i guess ill go get the mail.... dads calling... ick. snow. col. wet. ew. ew. ew.

im getting really pissed about everything. theres no longer a period of time when im NOT depressed. and mrs. kuzee hasnt had me in to talk to me again. eh. what did i expect. someone to actually care? i guess i was right giving up that a long time ago.

but now i have an asshole teacher to deal with.
mr.hondorp- algebra 2
im currently failing with an E. and he's an ass and keeps kicking me out of class. he singles me out. there's 8 kids in that class *counting me* and im the only one he ever yells at. and theres this boy named josh- he constantly is disrupting the class, but he never gets in trouble. and levi- same thing. but i like levi. he's sweet. i mean i dont have a crush on him, but he's cool in my book.
corey left to go to oasis... so i have no other cool guys in there. corey kept me going in that class cuz he always made me laugh. now i have nothing.
there's jolene and rebecca... but hell i have rebecca after alg2 anyways. and i can always go over to jolene's house. then there's salina- whos annoying, dana- whos bitchy, in a sudle way. and taylor- i dont know. we dont talk anymore.

so that class makes my life a living hell. i want out. even if i have to fail. i just want out. my sanity cant live thru it.

but on the bright side i have this friend named andrew who lives in canada, and he sometimes keeps me happy. he says he wants an "us". i so dont do internet relationships. those are for losers... yes i may be a loser but im not stupid. sorry andrew.

hmm wat else can i complain about... shit there's lots more. but i dont have the energy to...

whatever,
brittany

so a lot of shit has been happening.
my dad got pissed at me for about a week almost 2 weeks and wouldnt let me on the internet. hell he would barely talk to me.
and almost a week ago *maybe 5 days* me and a friend got into some kind of an argument, and i guess we're no longer friends.
i also have started talking to the school counselor... mrs.kuzee

just everything is getting to me right now and i dont know how to handle it.
i haven't had a cigarette for two days. everytime i go to get one something goes wrong. like this morning, for instance, damn rain made puddles... damn cigarette fell into puddle, therefore making it UNSMOKEABLE!

i seriously hate my life at times.
howie and amanda are going out.
yay for them!

i've decided to for seriously quit with the whole love thing.
i've given up on it.




man there are so many people i miss right now.
...>so many people<...

im trying to open up, be raw. but its hard.

everyday i want to die
everyday i think im better off DEAD
everyday no matter how much my friends care for me i feel like im all alone
everyday i grow more bitter towards my parents
everyday i fall deeper into this dark hole that is everything that i am

everyday i try to hide who i really am, the pain i have, and everything that goes on inside my head because im afraid. im afraid of what will happen, my parents, my friends... the kids at school.
will they all think im nutz. will they all look at me a different way. will anyone understand why i feel this way. will anyone let me talk to them, who will actually listen.

i want to talk, but i cant trust. theres no way i can ever trust.i need someone who i can trust so i can clear my head. cuz im so tired of theses thoughts.

yeah the subject title usually has nothing to do with my post, just random things i come up with.

so basically tim told me he likes me but since i dont like him he's going to take a step back. he's currently not talking to me but talking to brittany. it's safe to say im uber pissed off right now. another safe accusation is that i NEED a cigarette.

next week october 10th *wednesday* im *hopefully* going to see good charlotte in concert. im fucking STOKED.
then the 13th *friday* im DEFINITALLY going to see evanescense in concert. so hopefully it's going to be a crazy weeek.

[you can have all the love i have to give if you promise not to break my heart]

♥brittany

okay so lots happened.
i was caught smoking on school grounds, managed to wiggle free of being suspended. the two guys i met up with in the woods got suspended for 3 days.
i got kicked out of algebra 2. am trying to drop that class and do independent studies... so i'll still be taking alg2 but teaching myself basically... that way i dont have to deal with the teacher. it'll be ruff... but i think i can handle it.

tim and i had a long, interesting conversation. makes me really cant wait until i see him. but only god knows when that is going to be... he has no job, therefore no money to come up and visit. *sobs*

well my feet are cold and my dad is bugging me so i guess im going to get off.

♥brittany♥

Show Recent Messages (F3)

loneseeker1990 is using a different version of Yahoo! Messenger.
Certain features may be unavailable.

Gibbons: are you busy?
Christopher Gray: no
Gibbons: oh. i thought maybe we could talk...
Gibbons: im feeling pretty shitty
Christopher Gray: about what?
Christopher Gray: im srry
Christopher Gray: whats keepen u from smilin?
Gibbons: guh. i dont know. i just kind of broke down today.
Gibbons: started screaming after i got off the phone with me dad, then started crying, then smoked like 4 cigarettes... then cut myself.... yeah it was pretty horrible
Christopher Gray: im srry u feel so bad... i want to help but idk what to say
Gibbons: yeah i know. i just need to talk and the person i wanted to talk to isnt on... so... yeah,
Gibbons: ive been feeling shitty pretty much since school started. but i talked to my friend [in texas] two days ago... adn he told me that he does like me and if he was here in michigan we would be together
Christopher Gray: ok
Christopher Gray: well
Christopher Gray: talk
Gibbons: at first that made me happy. then i told my friend jolene. she told me he might have been stoned/drunk cuz he's pretty much an ass
Gibbons: thats when i started feeling extremely shitty. so i wanted to talk to him about it tonight, but hes not on. i just feel like im right. the fact tht im fat is holding me back at having a great relationship with a guy, and friends...
Christopher Gray: why friends?
Gibbons: i am horrible with friends, i dont have like any.... no one likes me
Christopher Gray: well
Christopher Gray: im your friend ^.^
Gibbons: i know. but its not the same as my friends in highschool. its like im all alone. and ive learned that i really cant handle that... part of the reason i took up cutting again
Christopher Gray:
Gibbons: i just dont know what to do anymore. ive ran out of ideas. its like im lying on the floor, the pain running through my vains and the blood lying on the floor in a puddle. im in so much pain and dont know what to do to stop it.
Christopher Gray: tell someone? like an adult u trust
Gibbons: i dont trust any adults. i hardly trust my friends.
Gibbons: im pretty much a horrible person, i have no trust for anyone. and the only person i used to be able to talk to, welll were not exactly the closest of friends anymore... which makes everything that much worse. cuz i have absolutely no one to tell it to... i used to tell all my pain to her.... but now.... now i have no one
Gibbons: well besides u. but i can only talk to u when i get on the internet...
Christopher Gray: im so confused
Gibbons: not nearly as much as me. but tell me whats confusing and i'll clear it up
Christopher Gray: i have no idea what to say and i feel horrible cuz i want to help and idk what to say
Gibbons: the way u can help is just by listening... i guess..
Christopher Gray: ok
Gibbons: but now i dont really know what else to say. i think i got most of whats bothering me out there... i dont know... i just dont know what to do anymore...
Gibbons: i know i could never end my own life, but its so bad that i want to die... just not by suicide... i could never commit suicide... so i guess thats a good thing..
Gibbons: oh but stepping in front of a semi would be suicide... :\
Gibbons:
Christopher Gray:
Gibbons:
Gibbons: guh and to make it all worse jessie isnt talking to me. we got into an argument the other day cuz i was in a really depressed mood adn then she started bitching at me for bitching at her... i just really wnat life to end... if theres a god/jesus i want them to come back, take the saints and leave the rest of us for the devil [dont worry im not calling u a sinner, ur def. a saint]
Christopher Gray: HA
Christopher Gray: im no saint...
Gibbons: more of a saint than me
Gibbons: well thanks for listening to me ramble on.... it helped a little bit. thanks
Christopher Gray: your quite welcome
Gibbons: thankis. wellz i gonna get moving now
Christopher Gray: ok

i think i pretty much have given up on livejournal. i have no friends so no one is there to read my problems or anything.

i guess this will be my final entry for a long while... i'll check it from now and then to see if anyone comments but if not it'll take longer for the next insert.

Updates on me:
i cut again
i smoke again
im in pain again because of a boy [age 22]
i cried today
i wanted to die today
i want to stop trying so hard to live if no one wants me here

not sure i can hold on much longer.
the pain is getting unbareable...

im slipping away from everyone and everything i ever knew.
i really need to get away from home...











maybe i'll post again, maybe not...









brittany *sad*

Well of course last night I got back on so I could talk to Tim again. It was before he got on that a spurt of depression hit me. I don't know why I suddenly got so depressed but I did. So the message next to my name read ^lonely && depressed^ Well Tim got on like 2 min after I wrote that and instantly IM'd me saying 'no your not'. We had a ten minute conversation concerning how I felt and he kept telling me he was sorry that I had to go through this cuz he knows how it feels. Well later in the convo he asked me if i liked him and i said i dont know. he wanted to know how someone couldnt know if they liked someone else and i told him i dont know how its possible but it is possible. he asked me if i knew if i would tell him and i said probablly. then i think his messenger scrwd up cuz he nevr replied. Then after about 10 mintues his name signed out. I sent him an offline explaining the situation. I told him that part of me thinks she likes him and the other part tells her to shut up.

I guess the reason that's like that is cuz if i do like him i don't want to be honest with myself incase that our friendship gets screwed up and all that jazz... i guess im just really glad i got all this stuff off my chest...

It's 1:14 in the morning and I'm finally getting ready to go to bed. I hate this, whatever it is. I can't go to bed until wicked hours in the morning and then I still wake up at 8am but dont force myself out of bed until 9am. It's unbearable, enough to make me go insane. I can stay up til 2am and wake up like i went to bed at 10pm. Okay. On a different note.
Around 10:30pm *tonight, well last night technically since it's tomorrow* I was talking to this guy who lives in Texas, whom I later found out knew of me. He happens to be Jessie Houghton's older brother. He knows all of my friends *well the ones that know Jessie*. He knows BB, Jello, EB, Howie, Lee, and others. I feel like I could haev a real friendship with him. The only weird thing is that he's 22 && if my rents find out that I talk to him they'll flip && think that I am only talking to him for "sex". My parents are the mose closed-minded people ever. They seem to think that I sleep with every guy I talk to. Which, I believe, is outrageous cuz they should know that me being HUGE turns off everyone. But anywhoo... so when I found out this guy knows me I was ecstatic. It's weird how you live somewhere your whole life and you never met someone until they move, someone who you could have been close friends with. It's cruel but it's reality.
<1:22am>
Love,
Brittany

is the love of my life. i will never stop loving for as long as i live. my other love is . i will also never stop loving . well that is all for now.

i feel like im slipping into a depression. I don't know why i would be depressed but lately i have just felt like shit. it makes no sense but i guess nothing does anymore. i want this school year to be better than my last two combined... which shouldnt be hard... well actually my freshman year was awsum but my sophmore year sucked. i lost so many friendships that year i felt like shit. so i just wanted to update this and tell everyone how i feel.

oh i went for a 12 mile bike-ride yesterday. that was sweet. i was proud of myself.

HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

*Repost this if you think Homophobia is wrong*

umm i just joined and am an amature slash writer... i suppose i can add a story for everyone to check out... i'm not very good so beware.

Title: Changing Years
Author:buriedwithhate/alphabet_soup89 *both are my accounts
Pairing: Ron and Harry
Rating: PG
Warning(s): probably the only thing I should warn you about is that it might have excessive fluff
Word count: 830
Teaser: Realizing his hand was on top of Harry’s, Ron jumped out of his seat.
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al. This drabble/fic was written for fun, not for profit.
Author's note: I never try to say I’m a high-quality writer, but I do think I’m decent. Reviews would be highly appreciated.
Summary: It’s the beginning of the sixth year of their schooling and both Ron and Harry are receiving new feelings, especially towards one another.


( Read More )

Poll #785298 Choose The Best Band
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 1

Which Band Is The Best?

I just created this account. Although I have a previous one. I am using this one for my personal entries and my other one (alphabet_soup89) as my fic account... i'll get on tonight and edit the rest of the stuff...